Wednesday
April 7, 2010
1:10 am

In the throes of passion
I scream out to the universe
Me: I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
tears from the corners of my eyes only
my lungs threaten to heave big sobs

then the voice

God: Enough whiny butt!
Tell me… what am I not letting you do?!?!

The voice is angry.

an hour later I am still working for an answer
Okay I have one…
Me:  It’s what you are making me do that’s creating the misery.

hmmph… there you go.
(I cross my arms and stick out my tongue.  I am triumphant!)

God:  But why does that matter?
If you’re doing what I’m asking you to do, then the consequences are on me…
just like the base coach who signals you to steal second…
the throw-out is his fault not yours.

(Stomp the ground defiantly.)
More snow out the window.  Swirling upslop.
Me:  I am wide awake now!  You have my undivided attention—SPEAK!

God:  Finally!  Let me do MY job.
Get off your high and mighty and just be the hands and feet.  Okay?

(I am still defiant… cheese and crackers has not helped.)
Me:  But I just want to know…

God:  Get over it!  I’m not gonna tell you.  Trust me… it’s all gonna be fine.

(The voice is still mad at me.)
Me:  O-kay!
(Stomp defiantly again.  I will not go away quietly.)
Less snow now.  I don’t think we’ll get the 7” they predicted.
(Why am I so stubborn and thick-headed?)

Me:  I want to leave.
God:  Why?
Me:  Because I don’t like it here.  It’s too hard and things aren’t going like I want.
(long silence…)

God:  Well tough… ‘cause this is where I want you… where I need you.
Me:  But why?
God:  Because I said so!  How many times do we hafta go thru this?

(The voice is softer but still irritated with me.)

Me:  ‘til it sinks in I guess.
(I try really hard…
but I am a terrible disciple.)

… later in the darkness… in my dreaming…
God: Oh my dear child, don’t be afraid… I am here.

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About Elaine Menardi

Heading off on a new adventure! I solve problems and make ideas happen.

2 responses »

  1. Jeff Kaster says:

    Maybe in 200 years someone will discover your writing and canonize you as a saint. In the meantime, I very much appreciate how you name the tension. The suffering is real. How does a Christian disciple handle suffering? This is such a big question that simple answers never suffice. It seems like the journey through the suffering is required to provide some part of a reasonable answer. The other big question you name is also very powerful: Should I leave? This seems to me to be one the the biggest questions of many 21st century Catholics. I am thinking that a new question is emerging beyond should I stay or should I go. The question is: What new church is in the womb waiting to be born and how can we be midwives to help the birth process?

    It is the questions that drive the learning. Catholics really get it wrong when they focus first and sometimes exclusively on doctrine. Doctrine is received when it is a response to questions and interest. Your powerful questions appear to be driving powerful learning in your life and engage me and others in learning too. Discipleship is first and foremost about learning.

    Thank-you for your School of Disciples!

  2. elmenardi says:

    Can we forge a new path of learning? One that really engages people’s hearts in a relevant way? One that will challenge the status quo and wake us up from our doctrine-drugged stupor?

    I think we can… I think we are starting here and now.

What do you think? Love to hear from you.

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