Sometimes we come to this point in conversation:
Him: God doesn’t owe us anything.
Me: Yes but… God wants to give us everything.
When those words are spoken, everyone stops mid-sentence. There is nothing more that can be said.
At the looming of this second layoff, my spirit feels beaten down and exhausted. I think this could all be a great blessing but I have fear. And I have been flooded with anger this past week.
I started at What-eva! (can you see my palm-facing-out-at-arm’s-length and hear the sass in my best gangsta voice?) then moved to deep sadness and through to anger… all over the holiday week (which gladly resulted in eating less than I could have.)
A big question has filled my heart these past days… no actually it’s a huge question. I wonder why I am reluctant to receive all the goodness that God wants to give me… Why do I doubt God’s love for me?
Because I am scared… and I need to pay the bills. To speak aloud the prayer God has a plan is one thing. To actually believe it will translate into a paying job is another. Somehow that issue plants the need in me to take control of the situation and do something to make sure I’ll have money to pay the bills. Key words: take control. It’s a natural progression when one lives in fear.
Somewhere deep, deep inside me, I know this second layoff has happened for some greater purpose than what I can see. Could this be God’s way of loving me? of giving me a better life? of putting me in a new place where I need to be? It certainly doesn’t feel that way now… maybe it will turn into that.
I often forget that God has no expectations of me… doesn’t require anything of me except trust… and really wants what is best for me. All because I am loved beyond measure… in a way that I cannot even begin to comprehend. God is so much bigger than anything any human mind can understand or any institution can proclaim or any religious belief system can theologize. God cannot be contained or described… simply cannot.
God wants to give me everything… I have only to receive it… in whatever package it comes.
Having timed holiday driving just right to avoid snowy, icy roads, I arrived back at my little hermitage to be released from exile. I feel light… almost excited… free to welcome the joy of whatever the next journey brings.