I know bloggers who stockpile posts so that everyday when they logon to their blogsite all they have to do is press ‘Publish’ and Voila! up goes their blog. I don’t do it that way. I come to my laptop in the mornings and start writing whatever comes to mind. That’s why it varies what time of day these appear either in your Inbox or on your News Feed. I decided to do it this way because I wanted to be spontaneous and force my heart and soul to explore their deep caves. More than a few friends have asked whether this creates huge stress every morning as I wake and say… What is today’s post?!?! …Not usually.
Last night I watched The Good Wife on television. I’ve not been a loyal-from-the-beginning fan but in lieu of more inspiring late evening shows, I’ve watched long enough to know the characters and story lines. A recurring theme in last night’s episode: What do you want? Several times that question was posed and met with unanswered silence. Somewhere in the middle, Will says to Alicia…
Will: Life is complicated, isn’t it?
Alicia: It can be.
Will: I don’t know what I want. I’m very good when I know what I want but when I don’t… I suck.
It’s very hard to navigate from dwelling in possibility where anything and everything can happen… to I-have-a-plan-and-this-is-where-I’m-going… even more so when huge upheaval knocks you on your butt. I know this firsthand. I find myself asking the same question: What do I want? I’m very good when I know what I want… but lately I am sitting in the unanswered silence.
Over the years I have done a lot of brainstorming and visioning work with various groups and we work on: What do you want to see in the future? Usually there are some mediocre suggestions but no really stunning ideas emerge. I think it’s become increasingly more difficult for people to envision an un-thought-of-future because they don’t know what they want now. Life just moves too fast… information is too-easy-and-too-much… we’re all just too darn busy and tired to stop and think much less sit quietly and wait for an answer.
I am trying to come to the place inside where I can wholeheartedly say it and mean it… (I’m afraid to be too loud… someone might hear… so I’ll just whisper)…
I think I might want what God wants for me.
That’s kinda huge… I mean really. Think about it. Many people say it/preach it/espouse it… but for the most part it’s a casual cliché or sugary-sweet-saccharin theology. My experience of actually living it is bittersweet, even sour at times. I like to make my own plans and goals but most of them have never happened as I have expected or wanted. Usually they turn out better. But still always a tug-o-war with God. I’m working on it.
This might just be the time in my life when I actually stop struggling. When I was visiting my friend Cathi, late in the night she said to me: Stop trying to control everything and just let things happen… let God do his job. In that moment, I thought of spontaneous-blog-writing. New thoughts and ideas spill out as my fingers tap the keys. Maybe God will do the same with me. Probably.