I know bloggers who stockpile posts so that everyday when they logon to their blogsite all they have to do is press ‘Publish’ and Voila! up goes their blog.  I don’t do it that way.  I come to my laptop in the mornings and start writing whatever comes to mind.  That’s why it varies what time of day these appear either in your Inbox or on your News Feed.  I decided to do it this way because I wanted to be spontaneous and force my heart and soul to explore their deep caves.  More than a few friends have asked whether this creates huge stress every morning as I wake and say… What is today’s post?!?! …Not usually.

Last night I watched The Good Wife on television.  I’ve not been a loyal-from-the-beginning fan but in lieu of more inspiring late evening shows, I’ve watched long enough to know the characters and story lines.  A recurring theme in last night’s episode:  What do you want? Several times that question was posed and met with unanswered silence.  Somewhere in the middle, Will says to Alicia…

Will:  Life is complicated, isn’t it?
Alicia:  It can be.
Will:  I don’t know what I want.  I’m very good when I know what I want but when I don’t… I suck.

It’s very hard to navigate from dwelling in possibility where anything and everything can happen… to I-have-a-plan-and-this-is-where-I’m-going… even more so when huge upheaval knocks you on your butt. I know this firsthand.  I find myself asking the same question:  What do I want? I’m very good when I know what I want… but lately I am sitting in the unanswered silence.

Over the years I have done a lot of brainstorming and visioning work with various groups and we work on:  What do you want to see in the future? Usually there are some mediocre suggestions but no really stunning ideas emerge.  I think it’s become increasingly more difficult for people to envision an un-thought-of-future because they don’t know what they want now.  Life just moves too fast… information is too-easy-and-too-much… we’re all just too darn busy and tired to stop and think much less sit quietly and wait for an answer.

I am trying to come to the place inside where I can wholeheartedly say it and mean it… (I’m afraid to be too loud… someone might hear… so I’ll just whisper)

I think I might want what God wants for me.

That’s kinda huge… I mean really.  Think about it.  Many people say it/preach it/espouse it… but for the most part it’s a casual cliché or sugary-sweet-saccharin theology.  My experience of actually living it is bittersweet, even sour at times.  I like to make my own plans and goals but most of them have never happened as I have expected or wanted.  Usually they turn out better.  But still always a tug-o-war with God.  I’m working on it.

This might just be the time in my life when I actually stop struggling.  When I was visiting my friend Cathi, late in the night she said to me:  Stop trying to control everything and just let things happen… let God do his job.  In that moment, I thought of spontaneous-blog-writing.  New thoughts and ideas spill out as my fingers tap the keys.  Maybe God will do the same with me.  Probably.

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About Elaine Menardi

Heading off on a new adventure! I solve problems and make ideas happen.

2 responses »

  1. Donna says:

    I have honestly believed that everything happens for a reason. We have to have this experience before we can use it for some other purpose. We must meet this person before we can connect them with someone who needs them and we need to suffer through struggles before we are strong enough to face greater struggles. Just like a baby being born or a chick hatching must struggle to face the new world outside, we struggle to face the new world in front of us daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. We won’t be ready for the struggle of 2015 until we face the struggles of 2011.

    The saying God never gives us more than we can handle is so true. We face smaller struggles to become strong enough to handle the bigger ones.

    We also have to be accepting of the unanswered prayers. Sometimes the things we think we need or have to have in our lives for them to be full lives are not the things that we need at all and God says NO. That is not your path, this is not where you need to be in order to share your gifts and talents with the world that needs them.

    God will place you where you are most needed, so that you can be the gift that God gave the world as you struggled to get started on your life path.

    God sends us, just as he sent Jesus and we don’t need to shine our lite where it is not needed our lite must be shone into the darkness where it is needed.

    Maybe What we want should be Where does God or the world need me?

    • elmenardi says:

      The lady who cut my hair this afternoon told me a bit about her life’s story… oddly enough, similar to mine. At one point I said… Life just seems to put you right where you need to be when you need to be there. We both hmmm…’ed in agreement and nodded. We didn’t speak much after that. Strange how a simple truth can speak so loudly. Thanks Donna 🙂

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