The desert mystics discovered God’s thoughts: that each of us should strive to become exactly who God means for us to be. Great! Wait… what is that? Who am I supposed to be?
It dawned on me this morning that I’ve been an employee-of-someone for almost 30 years. And now I’m not. It was a really strange moment of realization. Probably because most of that time has been spent working in church ministry, I have equated who I am as a person with my job… I am a church nerd. (No offense to all you other great people who work for the church… you are not nerds!)
What came to me in prayer this morning is that I am more… so much more.
Now that my status has been stripped and my church-nerd-ego has been deflated, I see myself with greater depth and wider vision… which is good because I am on a vision quest after all. And in a brief moment of clarity I see myself as infinite.
Then just as fleetingly I am me again… a simple mundane chaotic mess.
That interlude of infinity was mesmerizing. I felt like I could do/be anything. When all possibility opens up before us, there is the tendency to shut down rather than welcome it. It’s quite daunting to imagine yourself wading through option after option having to decide and choose which will fit the best. It’s much easier to recoil to the simple mundane chaotic mess than it is to discover and grow and change into someone new… much easier. But to me… much more boring and not who Gods calls me to be.
I have been flopping wildly like a dying fish in the mud bog called What-Do-You-Want-Me-to-DO-with-My-Life. And quietly the answer comes: Just be who you are. Okay… but what if I’m not too keen on that person? Well then… maybe you aren’t ready for this gift I’ve given you… this is a gift you know.
This is a gift. How could I have missed that? Okay then… what do you want me to do? (looking skyward)
A brother asked an old man: “What thing is so good that I may do it and live by it?”
And the old man said: “God alone knows what is good. Yet I have heard that one of the Fathers asked the great Abba Nesteros who was a friend of Abba Anthony and said to him: ‘What good work shall I do?’ And Anthony replied ‘Cannot all works please God equally? Scripture says “Abraham was hospitable and God was with him. And Elijah loved quiet, and God was with him. And David was humble and God was with him. So whatever you find your soul wills in following God’s will, do it and keep your heart.'”
A Retreat with Desert Mystics—page 85
Question of the day: What is the sound and volume of God’s call to you?