I am a mess of contradiction… a fact that has never been lost on me… it is forever in the front of my mind… but one that was pounded home yesterday in a very stupid little moment.

I lost a game of Words with Friends.  Again.  [I told you it was stupid.]

But I always lose against this person.  Always.  I’ve only won once in all the 500 games we’ve played.
Yes… 500!  [Okay maybe not 500… but a lot.]

We got down to the very end… they played a 90-point word… and all I had left was 5 vowels.  So I resigned and went to bed.

Suddenly it was the metaphor for the whole of my life.

Other people win all the time.  I don’t.
Life is easy for them… I always have to work harder.
Other people get what they want.  I have to struggle more.

Let’s go take a ride in my BMW… b!%$#… moan… whine-mobile.

I am a mess…

… of light and dark / human and divine / flesh and spirit / good and bad / glory and sin / joy and suffering / perfect and flawed.

All of that is in me and plays out in one moment or another.  It’s no wonder my stupid-ass brain can convince my weary spirit so easily that I must be a total loser if I can’t win a game of Words with Friends.

I know how idiotic this sounds.  Believe me!  I had no easy time deciding whether to actually publish this revealing post to the cybersphere today.

Why would I choose to share something so personal and humiliating?  This is supposed to be a place for you to find a bit of spiritual encouragement… thoughts to chew on… tidbits to disrupt your status quo / grow your soul.

I’ve put this up today because I think we all feel this way sometimes in our lives.

Each of us is a mess of contradiction.  We all see-saw from light-to-dark / human-to-divine / good-to-bad / perfect-to-flawed. I imagine it’s just in our DNA.  I don’t imagine that scientists will ever isolate that gene in order to extract and repair.

So what are we left with?

“God wants useable instruments who will carry the mystery, the weight of glory and the burden of sin simultaneously, who can bear the darkness and the light, who can hold the paradox of incarnation–flesh and spirit, human and divine, joy and suffering, at the same time, just as Jesus did.  Watch what Jesus does, and do the same thing!  That, indeed is hard.”

from Things Hidden by Fr. Richard Rohr, pages 35-36

Evidently we’re supposed to be messes of contradiction.  It’s the only way we even have a chance to learn and understand how Jesus is able to save us.

We have to hold the tension of opposites in balance so we can be God’s useable instruments.

I really don’t like to be such a mess.
But if it’s the only way…


About Elaine Menardi

Heading off on a new adventure! I solve problems and make ideas happen.

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