The Cliffs of Insanity
I’m letting you into a part of my soul that I don’t often share… with anyone. So it’s either inspired courage or incredible stupidity that I would put this out into the cybersphere.
Journeys are either about moving from or moving to. Most often, they are about both.
Sometimes we choose to make the journey. Other times we just get swept up in the tide of life. Almost always, it’s the ebb and flow of choice and coincidence that gets us to move.
And then, there’s the attitude of the journey. Depending on where you are on the spectrum between To-and-From and Choice-and-Coincidence, the journey is jammed with emotion ranging all the way from joy to resistance. All over the map. Cycling back over and over.
I have spent a good chunk of time and energy these past months jumping over fences. On one side of the fence is safety / self-confidence / steadfastness. On the other side is fear / restlessness / more fear. I have been paralyzed. [Literally… my spirit has been paralyzed… which makes it hard to imagine jumping over fences.]
I have been living in the dark caves just off to the side of the Cliffs of Insanity (<– click).
Who am I talking to?
The voice of the Resistance. It lives in my head somewhere between my neocortex and medula oblongata. It frequently shouts things like:
There is absolutely no way that crazy idea is going to work. Ever.
You will look stupid for even trying… and people will laugh.
[Oh yes Ray… people will laugh… at you!]
Don’t waste your time!
Unfortunately, there are a lot of real voices around me affirming Lizard-Brain’s vicious words.
And I’ve been listening to them. Too much. The voices and the words have beaten me down / crushed my spirit / paralyzed me with fear. The fear of the journey. The fear of not knowing how to get from Here-to-There.
You see… I have this point on the horizon that I’m aiming toward. Like a ship’s captain, I have set my compass and am working to maneuver my sails just so… to get me going that direction.
But there’s a void at my feet. Not simply uncharted waters or an overgrown path or even a deeply plunging crevasse.
A gaping void… of nothing-ness. And I don’t know how to cross it. Not a clue.
So I’ve felt paralyzed. That’s really the only good word I can give you.
Like a fever that suddenly breaks its death-grip on an achy body, my paralysis lifted the other day. I’m not a doctor but I feel like breaking fevers are a sign that the body is healing. So I’m going with the idea that my spirit is healing too. [If you’re a doctor, please don’t leave a comment and burst my bubble. I need this right now.]
We had a staring contest. Lizard-Brain blinked first!
I didn’t win because I came up with some great plan to get from Here-to-There. [I wish!]
I won because I ‘fessed up to the fear of not knowing how to even think of a plan. I simply said… Lizard-Brain, I’m afraid you might have me beat on this one.
The fever broke. The paralysis lifted. I could feel movement again. The edges of my soul started tingling with sensation. It has been quiet for too long.
I still don’t actually know how to get from Here-to-There. But I do know that some way / somehow it is possible. Will be possible.
So I’m working on eating the elephant… one bite at a time. [Not a real elephant of course… that would be a crazy idea.]